Unlocking Relationship Blocks, Barriers and Blunders

If there's any part of you that wants more love or a better relationship and are wondering what you might want to do to create it...

So, what are these blocks, barriers and blunders that keep us from having the love passion and connection we want that we're talking about?

There's certainly a whole lot more to it than this but if theres a challenge in ANY area of your life, you can know that it's something in
one of these areas...

~Your Thoughts

~Your Beliefs

~Your Attitudes

~Your Actions

or

~ Your Strategies.

That's it.

Everything else is just the details.

You can always trace any challenge back to
one of these areas and here's a practical
example to illustrate this...

Someone said

"How can you stop thinking about the past and only think about the good things you and your partner have now?"

This is an excellent question and one we'll
answer in this way...

This person didn't say whether it was 'their' past together or the past before getting together that they couldn't stop thinking negatively about so here are our thoughts...

In this situation, If you can't stop thinking about the past (and it's causing challenges in the relationship) then one of two things is going on...

Either you have quite a few thoughts that you continue to think on an ongoing basis in which you aren't questioning the validity of and these thoughts seem be a trigger for you and are keeping you "stuck"...

or

...you have unhealed issues from your past
or current relationship that need to be identified, looked at squarely and healed before they destroy your relationship or marriage.

If you think about it this person's situation is
no different than anything you might be going through now or in the future. It goes back to one of those five issues we described above that need to be solved.

To help you with any relationship challenge,
question, issue or concern here are some
powerful questions to ask yourself to help you determine where the problem is and how you can release it...

Are the things I'm thinking about this situation actually true or are they things I'm only worried or concerned about that aren't actually true?

What are the beliefs I hold that could be
contributing negatively to this situation?

Are these beliefs I hold moving me closer to or further from the love, passion and connection I want?

What attitudes do I have that are contributing to this situation? What beliefs do I have that are contributing to this situation?

Are the things I've done been helpful in this
situation or have they taken me further from what I want?

Is there a better or different strategy I could
try in this situation to help us work through
this situation?

As you know from reading this newsletter,
we're huge fans of the power questions in
making big changes and shifts in your life.

The questions above are just a few and you're certainly encouraged to come up with
your own questions to help you make shifts in your relationships and life.

So, what do all these questions have to do with relationship blocks, barriers and blunders?

Everything actually.

Most people tend to think (erroneously) that
the problems of life are 'out there" instead of "in here" or inside you.

If you are having challenges in your
relationships (or any aspect of your life for
that matter), asking yourself the right questions and being open to new answers is a powerful strategy to use for making shifts for the better.

Asking yourself the right questions and being open to the answer also requires you take personal responsibility for what you are creating in your relationships and life.

This "taking personal responsibility" is, in our opinion, something that we need much more of in a world where nearly everyone wants to point the finger outward and place blame elsewhere.

We believe that we are ALL the creators in our lives.

Not someone else. It's us.

Please understand that we're NOT saying that there isn't a God, creator or higher power that created all of us and our world. That's not what we're saying at all.

What we are saying is this-- not taking
responsibility for what happens in our lives is definitely a barrier to connecting with the people in our lives.

What we have discovered is this: When we take responsibility for our lives and everything in them-- the problems, issues and challenges we have seem to start working themselves out.

Solve Conflicts in Relationships

Solve Conflicts by taking the LEAD

Conflict is not in and of itself a bad thing. In fact, conflicts in relationships can be constructive when used as a vehicle for improving communication. The following four steps can help you use conflict as a tool for gaining clarity, creating deeper understanding and strengthening relationships.

When you are in the midst of conflict, take the LEAD to manage it respectfully and calmly.

Listen to what is being said. Many times, conflict arises from a simple lack of understanding or miscommunication. Avoid making assumptions about what you hear. Instead, ask for clarification. For example, “I heard you say X, is that what you meant?”

Explorethe feelings that come up – Sometimes conflict escalates because something about the situation is an emotional trigger for us. If you’re feeling upset by the conversation, try to determine where the feeling is coming from. Take several deep breaths and try to remember that what is happening now is completely separate from the past. You can manage conflict more effectively if you deal only with the matter at hand. When you start introducing memories and past sleights it will be tough to get past the history of bad feelings to work toward a positive outcome.

Affirm the other person’s point of view. You don’t have to agree to understand the other point of view. Simply acknowledging and validating someone’s feelings can be a powerful tool for resolving conflict positively. At the end of the day, most people just want to be heard.

Decide on a fair course of action. Now that you have a clear idea of what the problem is and where the person is coming from, it is time to explore some solutions. Throw out some ideas that you can vet together. Choose the soundest option that you can agree on. Plan to revisit your decision within a specified period of time to see how you are doing and what changes, if any, need to be made.

KEEPING A RELATIONSHIP. JUNE 8,2011

Every woman has the ability to make any man fall in love with her.Relationships are what we make of it,as the saying goes"as u lay your bed,so you will lay on it".
Today we are going to be looking at the power of a woman in any relationship,her role in keeping that relationship and as a woman,i am obliged to say this, we have more work to do in any relationship be it dating, marriage or just a mere friendship.

When a man sees a lady, there is always something that strikes the cord in him, it may be the way u are dressed, the way u did your nails or the way u stood and spoke to him,it could be a number of things, some very insignificant but yet, he is chasing after you like a cat chasing a mouse.

Now, when he is done chasing and u agree to date or be in a relationship, he falls back to his seat, it is now your duty as a woman to keep him interested in you. We as women have great powers but most of us don't even know it, we let the men do all the work, let them make all the decisions,let them decide what should happen in our relationship and when that happens, we loss them to the next girl with the same thing that attracted you to him in the first place.

To keep a man in a relationship is not as difficult as we make it, it requires patience, Understanding,Tolerance and most of all Compromise. "What u don't know its worth u don't appreciate", so when u don't know the kind of Man u are with, u don't know his worth and then u loss him and u cry meanwhile it was actually your fault.

When u dont know what a man likes abt you, why he is attracted to you,what he likes about you, why he behaves the way he behaves at certain times,u cant tolerate his flaws, you are not ready to be his helpmate, his friend then my dear, you are headed for a break up. Like i usually say, "a man is a Big baby" and as a baby would , they need attention too,need you to notice when something is wrong even when they don't show it, when they are in a foul mood,need you to listen to them even when you don't understand a word they are saying, they need us to be there for them just like their Mums.

Ever wonder why every man wants to marry a woman like his Mum? because she knows hims, sees through his pains, pets him and take very good care of him,knows when he is sad,worried and she shares in all of it,that is all they want from us, for us to be a part of life,share in pains,joy,laughter and misfortunes,feel everything he feels like it happened to you and then gradually help him through it and be better than his mum because we have an added advantage......SEX.

This is all it takes to keep a relationship, every woman has the ability to make any man fall in love with her. Its not an easy task but if the guy is worth go the extra mile and you will see him all over you.
..................... Love is the Ultimate...............

LETTING GO OF PAST HURTS AND PAINS AND BUILDING ONE TRUST.

Have you ever felt hurt or betrayed by anyone, anywhere or anytime in your past?

No matter what age you are, we're guessing that you said "yes" to the above question.

We've certainly had them.

You may not consciously think about them but they are there, coloring your values, beliefs, thoughts, actions and interactions with others--unless you've done some deep healing.

As you may have already experienced, these past hurts can certainly affect new relationships in harmful ways.

Here are a couple of really good questions about this issue from a person who responded to our latest survey on trust...

"How do you release past hurts and betrayals in order to gain more trust in your relationship? How do you not project those past hurts onto your current partner?"

Here's something that we feel really sure in
saying...

Some of the reasons we come together in any
relationship are to help each other to heal, to
learn and to grow-- and this includes healing
past hurts.

The opportunity for healing in a relationship
can come in the form of showing us an
exaggerated version of the scenario from the past that we're holding on to, a mirror for us, or showing us an alternative way of being.

What we're saying is that if you've buried past hurts, they will come up--but that doesn't mean that they have to ruin your current relationship.

While our tendency as humans is to create
similar situations over and over until we learn from them, heal and grow, we can start to make healthy choices that can help us enjoy ourselves a whole lot more in our relationships.

When people first get together, at times you will feel like there were uncanny resemblances between your current and ex. These weren't physical similarities but were rather ways that both of them would react to you in certain instances.

At those times, you have to do "a lot of work on
yourself"to remember that this was a different relationship .

So what kind of "work" do you have to do on
yourself?

Here are some ideas used to help heal past hurts, create more trust, and deeper love and connection in your relationship...

1. Recognize when you are triggered and
carried into the past. Ask yourself if your anger, withdrawal or whatever you happen to do when you are triggered is either magnified by something that happened in your past or maybe even totally from your past.

In other words, can you identify whether you were triggered entirely by what's happening in the present or is your reaction mostly from what happened in your past?

2. Identify your thoughts and fears and question them. You may have heard the saying that fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. We suggest that you write your thoughts and fears on paper and then question their truth in your current life.

3. If you aren't sure whether your reactions
or fears are about the past or the present, ask your partner for a clarification about whatever triggered you before you react. Ask with curiosity, not blame.

4. Practice discernment. Create ways to
differentiate one partner from another when
you are triggered--whether your current partner is actually "doing" anything or treating you as someone in your past treated you--or not.

Ask yourself--"How is this person or this
experience different from my current partner or situation?" Find evidence that supports this difference.

You might even keep this "evidence" on a note card where you will see it often.

5. Remind yourself that "that was then and this is now." You are not the person you were when you had those previous experiences and although you may feel there are some similarities with your current partner, remind yourself that you can make different choices.

You can make those choices not from fear, but from what you want more of. You can choose to focus on what you want and not on what you don't want--and look for evidence that it's there.

That's not to say that you close your eyes to harmful patterns that are actually repeating in your life.

But it is to say that you look at what's happening in your present with honesty and curiosity and not stay stuck in past emotions.

Don't allow your past to create your present and future.

ADVICE FOR THE BROKEN HEART.

Wat makes every situation unique is the fact that u always learn something new.So its our relationships,failed or working ones,there's always something you can learn from every experience. Often it's the seed of a current or past "failure" that fuels you to the very success that you've always dreamed of. Past relationships give you a clearer picture of what you want and what you don't want in a relationship if you take the time to examine them.

It's the power of contrast that living in an unfulfilling relationship may give you. A woman brought her intimate relationship to an end after several years of turmoil with her partner. After the break-up, she realized what this relationship had taught her and that it wasn't a "failure."

This relationship had helped her to define the type of partner she would really resonate with--someone who was on a similar spiritual path, someone she could have a deep connection with, and someone who loved to be with groups of people.

This partner who she left wanted to always be alone with her and she liked to be with people. They also did not have the same spiritual interests which created distance between them.

She learned to bless the relationship and let it go to make room for the type of partner she wanted to be with and to free her previous partner to find a more appropriate mate.

She learned that her relationship wasn't a "failure" because of what it taught her about herself and her life- what she wanted and what she didn't want in a relationship.

People come and go in our lives. Some people are with us for a brief instant, for five days or for fifty or more years. The impact of these relationships on our lives can all be great.

Sometimes we don't understand why we are involved with someone in a particular relationship or why someone has such a hold on us. We don't understand why someone comes into our life for a brief time and then leaves.

What we've learned is that if a relationship isn't working out, it is not a bad thing or a failure that our society likes to label it. It just may be that you have learned what it is that you were supposed to learn by being in a relationship with that other person and it's time to move on to other "lessons."

We're not suggesting that you take your relationships lightly and throw them away at the first sign of conflict--Quite the contrary.

What we are saying is that the purpose of all relationships is to help us to grow--personally and spiritually. Even the relationships that are the most troubling to us can be gifts in learning more about ourselves.

So instead of looking at a relationship that didn't work out the way you had hoped as a failure, we suggest you look at it as a growth experience and move forward consciously by learning from it.

WHY MOST MARRIAGES FAIL?

Almost every marriage starts out as a huge celebration. Together with their family and friends, each couple is full of hopes and dreams for their future life together. But the road to a happy marriage is far from easy. And as today’s divorce statistics demonstrate all too well, many couples opt not to complete the journey.

It would be easy to blame our high rate of marital failure on things like not spending enough quality time together, allowing bitterness and resentment to build in our hearts and failing to keep communication lines open. There’s no end to books, articles and seminars that tell you how to improve these and many other aspects of your relationship. But while quality time, forgiveness and communication are vitally important to creating a happy marriage, if such things aren’t happening, it’s usually a sign of a much deeper problem. And until this problem is addressed, no amount of external behavior modification will work.

To get a hint of what this deeper issue might be, let’s take a look at the following Scripture passage:

One of them, an expert in the law, tested him [Jesus] with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:35-40)

I believe that virtually every marital problem can be traced back to one or both partners failing to abide by these two laws. The same is true of any relationship. The minute we begin to focus on our own wants and needs over those of God or our partner; we’re destined for trouble.

Experiencing communication problems in your marriage? How often do you really focus on listening to what your partner (or God) has to say instead of insisting on more airtime? Feeling bitterness and resentment growing toward your partner? When was the last time you brought him or her before the Lord in prayer and truly thanked God for your relationship? Struggling to find quality time together? How about praying with your partner and asking God how he would like you to use your time?

As you begin to do these things, you’ll notice that your focus automatically starts to shift away from you and your desires and over to God and your partner. As a result, communication problems begin to improve, anger and resentment fade away and you naturally want to spend more time together. Of course, you can’t expect such changes to happen overnight. Your relationship is also bound to face financial pressures, childrearing issues and other problems that are beyond your control. But if you commit your relationship to God and make a conscious decision each day to put God and your partner first, your marriage will be able to weather any storm. Not only that; you’ll also have plenty of fun together along the way!

Have you struggled to find happiness in your marriage? Perhaps it’s time you and your spouse invited God to direct your relationship. If you would like to do so, we encourage you to pray the following:

"Dear God, thank you so much for bringing us together as a couple. We know that you have a plan and a purpose for our marriage, and we invite you to forgive the past self-centeredness, come into our lives and relationship and direct our steps from now on. Please give us the grace to put you and each other first every day. Make our relationship a blessing to others. But most of all; make it a blessing to you. Amen."

Dating tips for you. May 26,2011

Whether you are new to the dating scene, are reentering the dating scene, or are a serial dater, you can use dating tips and advice. No one is a dating expert – even the most beautiful and wealthy people all struggle with matters of the heart. Everyone can learn something about how to date more, how to attract the types of people we want to attract, and how to make sure initial chemistry blooms into an enduring relationship.

The truth is, there are no magic formulas, no fail-proof tricks, no cunning ways of trapping Mr. or Miss Right. There are however some essential facts that you should always bear in mind along the way. Dating tips are just that -- tips, not one-size-fits-all guarantees. Different tacks will work for different people. It depends on the situation, who we are, where we are in our lives, etc. However, there are some threads of advice that are fairly universal and can benefit anyone who practices them:

Top 10 Dating Tips

1. Get prepared for dating. If you really want to succeed in the dating game, be ready to commit to dating. Half-heartedness won't work. In fact, it won’t even get you half-way. If you really want to date, put some effort into it. Do some research and think about what you want out of dating. Prepare yourself for the inevitable rejection we all face at some point in dating and commit not to give up.
2. Get your act together. Begin a regime of looking your best. Join a gym, read health magazines, get fit and start a diet. Get your hair cut or styled and begin a new regime of good grooming or beauty treatment. Though it will not find you a date in itself, you will feel a million times more confident about yourself, and others can sense that.
3. Go shopping and treat yourself to new clothes and even a whole new look. Get your image right, one that you can manage and live with, but one that flatters you. Don't try to be someone you’re not, but amplify and accentuate your positives. Throw out those tired jeans, old sweaters or cardigans and spruce yourself up. Your date will appreciate that you demonstrated some effort.
4. Think about what you want to gain from dating and what timeframes you expect. Do you see yourself married within 2 years? If you do, then approach dating accordingly. If you are more laid back and don't take dating too seriously then ask yourself some honest questions about why you are dating and what you hope to achieve. If it is purely sex then ask yourself if you are about to be honest with those you hope to date.
5. Surround yourself with people who will support your dating aims. By following the first four tips you will feel better and be more focused. Don’t sabotage this by sitting around with friends who are negative about love and relationships (often the married ones). Start attending social functions frequented by singles. Sitting alongside couples at dinner parties in suburbia is not necessarily where you need to be right now.
6. Choose those you have a good chance of dating. Be realistic. In other words, your dating is based on the whole package you present as well as just your personality. If you are looking for a glamour girl or boy and want to date someone trendy and gorgeous, great! Just know that others will expect you to be the same.
7. Join clubs, societies, sports events, drama groups -- anything that might help you meet like-minded potential partners. You will not meet people by staying indoors and playing video games – many have tried and failed at this approach.
8. Take time off from dating occasionally if it’s not going well or causing dating fatigue. Recharging your batteries and keeping confidence and optimism levels high is an absolute must. We all hit rough patches, but don’t let your search for love become a death march. Date in phases if necessary.
9. Enjoy dating for what it is, dating. It is meeting people and socializing and spending time in the company of stimulating individuals who may or may not play a bigger part in your life down the road. The fact is, most people have something interesting to offer. While you may not be out on the dating scene looking for new friends, you may well find one or two fabulous people along the way.
10. Never make yourself too available. People like mystery and enigma and the thrill of the chase when dating. As part of keeping up the mystery, do not sleep with your dates early on. The longer a person is made to chase and fall for you within reason, the more likely that love may blossom. (And yes, this goes for both men AND women!) If the chemistry peaks too early, your emotions may never have time to catch up and the relationship will eventually wither away.

MEN AND COMFORT IN A RELATIONSHIP,MAY 24,2011

Just like they say" Give a person an Inch and they take 10yards" so it is with men mostly in their relationships.One of the biggest criticisms of men is that they are lazy, they get too complacent, far too comfortable, especially in relationships. They think they have got you and think they can keep you with the minimal amount of effort. And to be honest, they often manage it. Why? Because you let them. By the time you have woken up to the fact that your new man is not trying, its often too late to change things, or him. You can of course leave him and often you do, but only after your man has wasted months of your relationships time.

So why does it happen in the first place? Well men are designed like hunters. They like hunting, generally in packs and sometimes alone. Either way, they are doing the chasing for women like you. The problem arrives like a bolt of lightening when they wake up one day with you beside them and realize that they have got you and you appear content. Appear being the operative word. They are in a relationship with you and the chasing has stopped (or so they think). Take away a man's raison d'être and what have you got, a lazy man.

Remember that I blamed you. Well of course that's only partially true. But the fact is, if you don't keep your man standing on quicksand, he will lay down and go to sleep. As a man likes to chase, he likes to feel he has achieved greatness by achieving you as his girlfriend. Once he has done that he will proudly display his trophy and be content. He will set about creating his idea of perfect domestic bliss and being loved-up you will go along with it. What you may not realize is that you are putting up with a lot of crap along the way in the early stages. You may well know it , but unless you have kept him in check some ground rules may have been set. To become his mother is not the path to relationship heaven.

The question is, can you keep him on his toes. Can you keep him wanting you as if he was fighting for his life? Of course you can, you just need to do it that's all. He is going to call you at work and ask what time you are home. He is going to make assumptions that you are doing some things he likes this weekend. He will assume you love spending your weekend with his nieces and nephews. You are going to let him do that? Of course not. You are going to make him worry. Unnecessarily of course because you love him. But this is for his and your own good before it is too late.

The path to relationship heaven with a man is to make him work for you, to date you, to want you, as if you were the only woman to walk the earth. You do that by changing his expectations and goalposts continually after you have become a couple. To settle in to domestic routine is to allow him to move into a comfort zone you will later regret. At first you may feel you want that too. You both want to be domesticated and fall into a routine. But then you will panic.

Who does the washing, cleaning and ironing ? Was it decided that you were the best at it? When you first met him, his shirts were perfectly laundered and you didn't do them then. Who said you could cook better than him? Remember that perfect meal he made you on your third date? Where did those culinary skills go? Remember getting up at 6am to make you a surprise breakfast in bed, who said that had to stop? Little by little, you begin collecting his socks from the floor by the bed, you turn the TV off after he has fallen asleep on the sofa at 11pm. You pick him up from the bar after his regular night out with his buddies. And you blame him for getting comfortable? Okay , so it is time to do something about it.

You don't need to change your man if you start early enough, because he is there for the molding. Men are starting to be aware that women implant ideas in their heads and let the guy take the credit but they are not yet generally advanced enough to make an issue of this. So plant away all you like. He will accept. The fact is, you need to ensure your man is never ever allowed to lay down flat in the comfort zone. Every now and again you have to stir things up and be as equal in ground rules from the very start, as he. Ignore this at your peril.

How many times have you heard men say, I only realized how much I love you after I lost you? That is because their comfort zone was rudely removed and they woke up. So your task is to not allow them to go to sleep in the first place. We all want a quiet life with no head games. We don't need to play carefully constructed games as we get older? Ehm, I think you will find that you do. Nice games, but games that allow you to mature together before your relationship falls apart. You can be comfortable after 40 years of marriage in your dotage like your parents but to reach that point you better make sure that your man never takes you for granted. Not unless you want a life of unfulfillment.

Men will and do take their girls for granted because they are allowed to get away with it. By the same token, men love to chase their girls and feel huge pride in loving a real catch. To be the real catch you have to keep him fishing. And from time to time you need to get him to change the bait on his hook. Why would he look elsewhere at another women if he is constantly wanting and needing you? Let him take you for granted and watch what happens! So it is down to you to make that happen, to keep him chasing you. You could argue that you want a lazy life too and don't want to get the man you love to stand on quicksand. Fair enough, the problem is you will realize all too late that you are not happy with your later situation and by then, maybe it's too late.

To keep your man interested and chasing you may want to follow some of the tips here:

• Keep him out of his comfort zone by making rules early on, even if he doesn't like them
• Make sure he realizes just how desirable you are to others
• Never become lazy yourself
• Don't be at his beck and call
• Ensure you retain your friends, interests, vacations and activities to a degree
• Never allow him to think you are reliant on him
• Keep some of your finances separate
• Don't always return his phone calls
• Don't allow him to know what you are thinking all the time
• Socialize without him occasionally
• All domestic duties are shared, no excuses
• Threaten to dump him occasionally
• Use all your womanly powers that you employ so well in the early stages of dating
• Change your mind about things occasionally and keep him guessing
• Ensure you retain male friends you had before
• Find his weak spots and use them when need be
• Do not run around after him
• Get him to do the laundry
• Go on vacation with your friends

A relationship is equal through and through. Let him get the upper hand and allow him to become too comfortable and he will abuse the situation. Just make sure you don't allow it to happen in the first place.

WHAT MEN WANT! MAY 24,2011

Women often say that men confuse them and that they are unsure what a man is really looking for. They have tried to please them in the past and it hasn't worked so no, the man can concentrate on pleasing them or leave. If the media is to be believed, many women don't care what a man is looking for anymore because they have been empowered by their own sexuality and are comfortable in their new role as sexually liberated career woman in charge of their own destiny. In which case, as long as the man wants them, that is fine.

It doesn't matter whether that view is actually true or not. What is true is that the modern man is increasingly struggling to find his place in the world. The Armed Forces and Space programs quite rightly have very highly qualified career women working in their departments and in most aspects of industry, women excel. The old male bastions are crumbling and with them their innate self respect as well as their understanding of how they should act and what they desire.

Any woman reading this may say well it's a problem for men and they should deal with it. Absolutely, but you cannot expect miracles instantly. Generations of history dictating a man's role and function cannot be decided and altered in the space of 20 years without some fallout. Few can argue against the excitement felt by women as their empowerment continues but at the same time, one must expect issues to coincide with this. And one of those as I said is the question of understanding what the modern man is looking for.

Men have started to evolve and are starting to grasp the fact that their role may not be as it once was. "Starting" is the operative word because this does not mean that there aren't large swathes of the world where men insist on being the breadwinner and women should still remain at home rearing children. It is going to take a long time to change the world. However in our western cities a change is in full swing. Men know that to find a mate they are going to have to work harder than ever before and they are aware that women call the shots far more than ever before. But this doesn't essentially change what a man is looking for.

Okay so what is a man seeking?

• First of all a man is seeking a love-interest. This may surprise many women but men like to love and they like being loved in return. The problem is that many women come across as impassioned and cold. It is not easy to find a loving woman and it is very noticeable how many men try and hang on when they think they have found their Miss Right.

• Men are seeking a woman who is attractive to them. Women may despair that men can be so shallow and that looks could matter so much but be careful. Men aren't necessarily looking for a catwalk model and many men don't like women who weigh 80lbs. But men do want a woman who takes pride in their appearance (though not excessively). Men are proud of having a girlfriend who looks good and I don't believe any man who says otherwise.

• Men are looking for a trustworthy girl, someone they can have faith in and someone who will be there for them. This may sound like an odd thing to say, but the fact is, some women are not trustworthy and many are not faithful either. So many in fact that men are increasingly wary. That kiss at a Christmas party may not count, or the flirtatious behavior with the gorgeous barman and in fact its all great fun and part of a woman's character. But reverse the situation and as a woman, you hate him doing the same. A man can never forgive a woman being unfaithful and so he is looking for someone who he really does trust.

• Men want to make a home eventually and are looking for a woman who will be a willing sharer in home life. Women with a sociable lifestyle are attractive because they can be relied upon to keep the social diary running in a long term relationship.

• Men are seeking women who are feminine gentle and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother are an attraction in themselves. I am not suggesting that the man himself needs mothering, though some do, it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future offspring.

• Men want women with a great sense of humor. Women often come across as uptight or too bothered by too many small details. You will sometimes hear mention of a girl who is 'one of the boys'. What this means is that she is able to fit in with their humor and is sociable and fun to be with. Such women are extremely attractive to many men. Men want to have a good time and relax when not working and so their ideal partners are women who are able to do the same.

• Men are looking for women who retain their femininity and and are caring and kind. In recent years, aping men may be a female fashion statement, but it doesn't make them attractive. Whilst every woman in the world burps and farts and has the right to drink pints of beer, it doesn't necessarily attract them to the opposite sex. Women can get angry and say well men will just have to get used to it, but the issue is that they don't. They can just choose not to go for women who act in the same way as their drinking buddies.

• Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men in their behavior, career and set about trying to alter them and mould them. This is a crucial mistake. Men can be manipulated yes, but they see their partnerships as support systems. The best relationships work both ways in terms of support. Where a woman is not able or willing to give that support and is too quick to criticize then she may lose her man.

• Men don't like angry women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and is able to discuss. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging on day one. But by day 500 it holds no glory whatsoever.

• Men love a challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they're in secure territory. When a man is challenged so he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged.

• Men are generally more reserved about sex than women. This is my experience is a fact. Men know what they like in bed and tend to stick to it. The adventurous sexual appetite in most men isn't there even if they are convinced it is. Men in reality are quite conservative. Sexually adventurous has nothing to do with having lots of partners and more to do with the things they will try with the same partner. In most test cases I have conducted, it is the man who looks for a quiet time in the bedroom and the woman who ultimately becomes bored.

• Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn't take away the wish. Men want a girlfriend who they can share with and trust and be open with. Commitment is not a one way street and therefore men are struggling to find the levels of commitment they found previously. But the need is still there.

• Men don't want to be alone.

This column can easily fire a great debate. The fact is, a modern man is seeking a reliable, sexy, single girl with whom he can have a long term relationship with. He wants to have fun, share his life and ultimately settle down. There are a few long term bachelors but not that many. The problem guys have is that the world has changed. They don't necessarily want to have children and settle down straight away, but it will come. They do seek self-respect even if they are not the primary breadwinner and they seek respect from their partner.

While women become increasingly strong in their new roles in society, it is worth remembering that it takes, and always will take, two to tango.

THE MR.RIGHT! MAY 23,2011

Question:Does Mr. Right exist? Is he out there somewhere? Will I find him?

Every woman believes that there is some one out there who is made particularly for her and only her and that some day she will find him or rather he will find her.

Mr. Right is a key subject for many women and an inspiration of hope on a daily basis. Yes, he probably exists. Yes, he is probably your match. Yes, you WILL find him! Of course in all our lives we have goals, aims, ambitions and desires small and large. It is these landmarks and goalposts that keep us positive and busy. It is what makes us human. In recent years the terms Mr. Right and Miss Right have become over used and clichéd. It is almost as if we have a chart on our wall, an extensive check list or a resume of specifics that the person in question must submit to get his foot through the door of the "potentials" interview.

Most of us would deny we are pushing away Mr. Right as we hope that chance will take a hand in bringing Mr. Right to us. Many of us accept that we have a small but insignificant "list" and yes, we accept that there are some requirements on it which are nonnegotiable, but they are fairly minor. Or are they? The fact of the matter is that as the decades have passed by, we have become far more sophisticated, as humans, as individuals, as lovers and mates. We are adults, we have a good salary and a nice home and are well educated in the ways of the world. Therefore it is only fair that we seek someone to match, to fit in, to adapt, to accompany, to facilitate, right? Therein lays the issue.

The fact is that Mr. Right also has a check list, of his wishes and needs, only a small one of course, but a list all the same, and he is ticking off your assets as we speak. He wants someone young, someone well educated, someone good looking and in shape. We are indignant, how shallow we cry. Typical man we sigh. Yet are we any better? Look at your list and look very carefully at what or who constitutes your Mr. Right. And then look again. Are you sure first of all that your tick list is achievable? Yes, or are you willing to negotiate? Okay so you are happy with your list. Then what?

Are you willing to go out and get your Mr. Right or are you waiting for him to come to you? Many women tell me they are waiting for Mr. Right. The word "waiting" concerns me. By waiting it means men come to you by chance, perhaps by design and you tick off their assets, your check them out and then cast off anyone who doesn't match your list. Maybe you do, but remember this my friends, Mr. Right is looking for his Miss Right? How much work have you put into being Miss Right or should he accept you as you are and fit in around you? If he did slot in to your life would he really be Mr. Right or an accouterment, an asset, a trinket that you would get bored of?

The thing I am asked by eligible men more than anything these days is, "where have all the nice girls gone". Think about those words carefully. These men are not asking where the doormats went, the meek mice, the housewife slaves. Not at all. No what they are asking is where all the women went who don't have a huge checklist as long as their arms. Most men simply want someone to love, someone who they can dote on in their own ways and who they can feel special and share with. The problem for them is that they are not finding it because they are constantly under the pressure of women’s check lists. They are told they must adapt and fit in, they are trying to fulfill their part of the list bargain and then they are faced with the Miss Rights out there.

As a potential Miss Right you owe it to yourself to complete a few tasks. Take a long, hard look at your list and ask yourself exactly how flexible you are being. Secondly look at who your Mr. Right is and how truthfully obtainable they are. Thirdly, don't kid yourself about your own potentials but don't compromise on ideals either. Fourthly, bring yourself out into the open and go after your Mr. Right.

Don't play the waiting game because you do not want to spend the rest of your life knowing your Mr. Perfect is married to someone else when he could have been yours. And finally, compromise is the key in reality, for all the things Mr. Right must be, try and balance that with attempting to be something your Mr. Right doesn't want to miss.

"BAD GUYS" GOOD GIRLS MYTH.

Life is some what of a joker some times,If we are to be sincere,be realistic and believe the movies, the ruthless tough guy always gets the girl. And didn't it seem that the bad boys at school always had the hottest babes? The best looking girls always seem to love the bad guys. Maybe because the best looking guys always became the bad guys? Everywhere we tend to see bad guys and nice girls. We see fools and meatheads with the girls of our fantasies. In the mall we see our flaxen haired goddesses with America's Most Wanted. Is it nature at work, is it us, what has gone wrong,awry?

Men are confused. We like to refer to stereotypes and work from them. Men are told that we need to be a hero and a tough guy. But then we are told we need to be in touch with our sensitive sides. Meanwhile the man down the street who treats his girlfriends like crap, never calls, is rude and disrespect appears to have a fan club developing. Life, my friends, can seem unfair. But let's look at what is going on with this scenario.

Interest. Bad guys are interesting, they do interesting things. They have strayed from the straight-and-narrow and have developed their own code of conduct. They do what they want. They go where they want. They answer to no one. They are, in other words, fascinating. Tow the line, do as you are told and inevitably you will be become dull. Mavericks are interesting, straight guys are not.

Bad guys are confident and self assured. They know what they're about and don't really care what others think. They are their own men and don't need others to prop them up. Bad guys don't have to be in shape, just look at James Galdofini from The Sopranos, who is immensely attractive despite his rotund appearance. Some can become almost caricaturesof themselves, but that doesn't make them any less attractive.

Plus bad guys are a challenge. We all love a challenge, and women may love a challenge even more than the boys. If something is a challenge, the end results must surely be worthwhile, right? The girls who go after bad guys want to find the pot of gold at the end of crazy rainbow. They will go to great lengths to solve their mysteries. And once they have them, once they've conquered the challenge, they don't want to let go. Plus it makes for an exciting rollercoaster ride because the bad guy could walk away at any moment. The greater the danger of loosing a bad guy, the greater the effort they'll put forth to keep them. And there may be a lesson there.

What do we have if we combine these facets? Power, strength of character, confidence, a maverick nature and an immensely interesting personality equals sexiness. That is exactly what the bad boy is, so it's no surprise that this type of guy often get the gal. It doesn't mean to say that we like them, and it doesn't mean it is fair or even a good thing, but raw attraction can be nature's way.

I am not in any way suggesting that we should all be Mr. Bad Guy. Not at all. What I am saying is that there are lessons to be learned here. What is attractive can be modified and added to our arsenal of dating weaponry. How you perceive yourself that matters the most. If you can increase your confidence levels, get your career on the right tracks, excel in what you do and be your own man within the confines of your working life, then you'll get that bad boy confidence. And that attitude will boost your attractiveness. You don't need to go around being bad, but you can be a bit more deliberate in your actions, a little less available and a little more enigmatic. This will boost your interest factor and again help in your attractiveness.

The modern dating game is highly complex and courting rituals can be a minefield. Go back to basics, analyze what is it that you think potential partners would like and think about how can you match of yourself to those qualities. Changing just a few small things could make the world of difference.

How to use Body language as a woman to get the man u want ,May 23,2011

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WHY MOST WOMEN CANNOT COMMIT TO A RELATIONSHIP

It's a fact of life for the modern woman, committing to someone other than themselves is scary stuff. Commitment means compromise.

I often hear women complaining that there are no eligible men anymore and that they struggle to find anyone who matches up to their most basic requirements as a mate. Think about this, you rarely hear a man saying that there are no eligible women anymore, though they may argue there are too many highly selective women. No, this lack of commitment used to be an accusation thrown at men wary of marriage, but these days you are more likely to find a woman with a good job who has taken over this role as the wary one.

I know lots of eligible men. They are young, unmarried, good looking, single, with good careers, lifestyles, are fit and healthy and looking for a serious relationship. In fact most men I know are serial monogamists! I asked one of my friends, Sean, 32, about whether he felt that the modern women he met were ready to commit and he said:

" I have wanted to settle down for a long time now, but women are too interested in their careers, want a casual lover with a fat wallet and nice car, or are simply too scared of the commitment levels required to live with someone. It seems to me, women just aren't ready to compromise their new found strengths and are very frightened of monogamy. Every time I have attempted to have a serious relationship, it is the girl who has panicked when things become more intense."

Sociologically, this is an interesting development and Sean's view is not alone. The fact is, there is a huge pool of resourceful, talented men out there ready to commit, but they are really struggling to find partners. Its important to note that there is no great difference in the number of single, available men and women and so we don't face an imbalance. So what is going wrong?

Well first of all, we have to consider social change. The social emancipation of women has been refreshingly vital in the last 15 years. Salaries for women have increased in many sectors, more women than men appear to be excelling academically and have moved into the mainstay career domain. A career has meant financial liberation allowing women to purchase their own apartments and cars and whole self-sufficient lifestyle unheard of two generations previously. Women are able to conceive later and they have a sexual liberty unparalleled in modern society. Indeed some men I interviewed saw women now as the main sexual aggressor and were "frightened of them." Women have become dominant in some areas and men are on the retreat, uncertain of their new role and what it may entail. Whilst I appreciate this may not be true in some of the smaller communities, the trend for city dwelling women confirms this general trend.

Marriage has become a taboo subject for many women, seeing it as a role for the subjugated with one-sided compromises that are just not worth taking on board. The average of marriage for a western woman has now increased from the early twenties to almost the early thirties, certainly 29 being a key age for many. Women instead have replaced early marriage with self fulfillment, meaningful life-content and career-path progression. This in turn means that a woman becomes instinctively very choosey about any life-partner who may interrupt this comfortable world.

In the meantime, men are struggling and perhaps seen as increasingly pathetic in their needy overtures. This is all too obvious in TV ad campaigns currently running. Whilst a man fights desperately to keep his loved-one, the woman has other ideas about where she sees herself ten years from now. It may well be settled with children, it may well be as a tax exile in the Bahamas, it may well be independent, financially astute and driven as well as successful. But she isn't going to take any old man along for the ride. She wants her man to shape up or ship out. And rightly so.

It is clear that relationships boundaries have moved. Many career women will not compromise their jobs for the sake of a relationship. It is as likely a man will move for his girlfriend , than she for him. With career comes financial independence and like it or not, many women struggle to understand that men were brought up to feel like the breadwinner. This is likely to relate back to the hunter-gatherer of human evolution so cannot be excused so dismissively. However, as many women excel in their given careers, so the man has to come to terms with the fact that he may not be the primary breadwinner any more. Indeed he may be more likely to stay at home and rear the children.

The red-blooded male is in a quandary. The media and Hollywood send him many different confusing signals as to how he should act and react. The problem here is that as yet no final solution has resolved. Women's lives have become dynamic and men are slow to react and evolve alongside. Consequently we can explain the reactionary rise of the Laddish culture alledgedly portrayed in magazines such as Loaded, FHM and via Jackass TV. Where a man cannot find his own sense of identity within a relationship, so he has divorced himself from considering relationship evolution. Be careful however, this is not to take on board the difficult situation modern men find themselves in with women.

As women evolve their own independence during their twenties, so they become sophisticated consumers and have acute sense of taste. Far more so than many men. This in turn means that they know exactly what they are looking for when you come along to ask them on a date. Get it right and you may be selected, get it wrong and you will be dumped without hesitation. And no, you may not be for keeps. The sophisticated new woman will often therefore see any committed relationship as similar to giving something up. You will often hear women say that they are seeking a man who will "compliment" their lives and add to their life experiences. There is no suggestion of compromise on their behalf however.

Women are also acutely aware that men cost women and can drain their emotional and financial wealth. A man can be hard work if he is not himself already emotionally self-sufficient. I am sorry to say it guys, but a lot of you are a little too emotionally needy as yet. This may relate to the current state of male self confidence in a world of increasingly dominant women. Women now value their freedom to express themselves sexually as never before and this certainly causes men a problem. TV shows like Sex and the City have covered almost every bastion of sexual discussion that men often feel uncomfortable with. Whilst women move forward increasingly confident in their own sexual behavior ands needs, men are struggling to take on the open mindedness required. Ask many men about the subject of oral or anal sex for example and they will run a mile. Men always thought sex was their domain, now the hunter has become the hunted.

Children is a key ingredient in the equation because however successful and confident the modern woman is, her biological clock may still tick. First of all its important to stress that some women are now happy to admit they never wish to have children, which is a change from previous generations. Some women are happy to admit they never wish to marry. But for those seeking children in their thirties, they have more options than merely seeking a stable semi-permanent relationship. Whereas men may have run from such a responsibility previously, now they are fighting to maintain it. If they can be replaced by a fertility clinic, they may be in trouble.

I don't have the answers to this issue, but I do see that women are increasingly dominant in relationships, whilst the men have simply lost their way. Whilst a woman may want her man to act like a man, it is a man with conditions. Whereas before a man could call the shots, now he must listen carefully if its not he who ends up being left on the shelf. It may not be that women can't commit, it may simply be that they don't have to anymore.

Online dating. May 23,2011

That headline seems ridiculous, right? I mean, what is dating if not..... horrendously, desperately personal? How are you able to go about looking for the individual that makes your heart feel whole without getting at least a small bit personal?

It seems strange, but when it comes to looking for love online, you require to keep in mind that it is not about you -- at least not for awhile. Most of us who have dipped even a toe in to the tepid waters of online dating have felt at sure times that possibly we are not made for computer-based romance. We are not photogenic or they cannot write; our icebreakers keep getting rejected & our winks are never returned.

In case you happen to be of the thousands who is not having success on the dating sites, you ought to definitely think about tweaking your profile & having a mate take some pics that show off your lovely side. But five times you have completed that, you require to keep in mind that your digital dry spell is probably temporary. Anyone who is tried out of the plenty of dating sites knows that luck tends to ebb & flow like the member pool. But most importantly, when anyone flakes out on you or makes it clear that they don't share your feelings of attraction, you require to not take it personally.

The truth is, you cannot possibly know why that girl is not interested. Possibly you they hates canines & you have a boxer. Possibly she is intimidated by your intellectual prowess & professional success. Or possibly they met anyone & desires to see where it goes. No matter what, it ultimately has small to do with you. & while we are all tempted to pick that it is our giant brow & clown-like ears, the more likely scenario is that they had something else going on \. or they wasn't your type anyway.